If you are one who invests anything into a relationship, you may agree that break ups suck. But as a twenty-year old woman consumed with estrogen and painful optimism, they may rank a little higher on the misery scale. Not much can be said about the days where you can only muster up enough strength to buy a cup of coffee which you end up drinking half of before leaving it on your desk to rot for the next week. The cup leaves a ring around the wooden surface, not to be wiped away until three weeks later when you have to frantically scrape it with a Lysol wipe, before resorting to using your finger nail to pick off the residue flake by flake.
School work is pushed to the backburner as you spend your days reading magazine advice articles about how to get your groove back and you sob as you doubt that you will ever regain the sophisticated flair you believe you once had. But like all of life’s events, there is music that can aid the pain of a break up. These songs are not included in that category. The following make up the crappiest playlist for getting over a failed relationship.
#5: I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor
If you were to type “Breakup Songs” into the Google search engine, chances are high that this stupid song will appear like ants at a picnic- it will be everywhere. Nothing makes you more equip for survival as a soloist than crumpled up Kleenex scattered around your room and hair that hasn’t been washed for Lord knows how long. As I analyze the lyrics, I cannot help but wonder if the antagonist of this song was a wife-beater wearing, beer guzzling tyrant.
“And so you’re back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I knew for just one second you’d be back to bother me.”
Wait, a former lover (that made you feel like shit most of the time) appears in your home unannounced and your first response is some sassy zee-snap hip popping? Call the police.
“And you see me with somebody new,
I am not that chained up little person still in love with you”
They chained you up too?
#4: A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton
“It’s always times like these
When I think of you
And wonder if you ever think of me
Cause everything’s so wrong
When I don’t belong in your precious memories”
Followed by…
“If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by?
Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight.”
This person supposedly (and sadly) wants little to do with her; however she will take the time to walk a thousand miles to see them? Perhaps they moved a thousand miles away to get away from you and if that is the case, I am sure an encounter with you after you’ve walked a thousand miles will be ill-received. Time to get over it, honey. Walk a thousand miles to my dorm room and we can both cry into our Ben & Jerry’s.
#3: Everlasting Love- Natalie Cole
As I have mentioned in a previous post regarding online dating, this song is the serenade for every couple that has recently been emerged into a gleeful infatuation. That, and also the most common song heard on the loud speaker of Kohl’s or Burlington Coat Factory. The shrill of the piano and overall joy transmitted through the lyrics is enough to make you crawl under the covers.
“Loving you
Is some kind of wonderful
Because you’ve shown me
Just how much you care
You’ve given me the thrill of a lifetime
And made me believe you’ve got more thrills to spare, oh”
Oh, yes, they have got more thrills to spare- but they won’t be using ‘em on you any longer.
“You’ve filled me with happiness I never knew
You gave me more joy than I ever dreamed of
And no one, no one can take the place of you”
No one can take the place of them, yet they are no longer involved in your life. The only conclusion that can be made is now you have a big open hole that cannot be filled. Bummer.
#2: Single Ladies- Beyoncé
Beyoncé, oh Beyoncé. The supposed mother of twenty-first century female empowerment. As I (shamefully) spent the first few days bedridden after my split, this song frequently popped up on my computer’s playlist. Nothing made me leap from bed, simultaneously throwing the ice cream cartons to the other side of the room, faster than to turn this song off. Perhaps it was the smug “Wa-uh-oh’s” and overall melodic encouragement to shake my ass.
“Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it”
But they didn’t put a ring on it…because they didn’t like it.
“I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you think”
Well, obviously you must care a wee bit about what this particular person thinks or else you wouldn’t pen an entire song convincing them to snap their fingers and mournfully say “Damn” as you strut by. And on a grammatical note, it is “couldn’t care less,” not “could care less.” If you couldn’t care less, that means that you legitimately cannot care any less than you do. If you can care less, that means there is still some caring involved.
#1: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together- Taylor Swift
As I sat at the front desk of my residential building, I asked many lobby dwellers what song would send them spiraling into a fury if going through a break-up. Little did it surprise me that the most frequent response was, “Anything by Taylor Swift.” Considering ninety percent of Swift’s discography relates to the “done wrong girlfriend,” it was hard to pinpoint one song that could adequately represent this list. However, the general consensus of the front lobby pointed towards the 2012 anthem for scorned, cocky women everywhere: “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”
“I’m really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for it screaming that I’m right
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind
with some indie record that’s much cooler than mine”
I can’t relate to this song. No one has cooler indie records than me.
The Crap Cave 